There is so much dark humor in your writing while being revealing and questioning the messiness of life. I loved it. It’s for me both hilarious and deeply troubling (grotesquerie I believe the French, not to get all fancy on you) to hear someone say in a response that the N word describes “more than one race.” In America, really? This guy is a jerk, but of course we were not involved in the meeting and seduction part, and perhaps he had some raw animal side that appealed to you. It just turned out to be afterwards you found out the animal was pig and not a smooth jaguar. His drawing even reflected what he thinks of you and his text messages are truly horrific way to act to some some you “made love to.” But then again he wasn’t “making love” as those comments reveal, and is not capable of that.
I don’t have any relationship advice to give on all this, but can say next time when you see the n-word written on the fridge get dressed and leave without another word. Do not engage, do not look back. People want “explanations” when they something or hear something like this. If he wrote that word, you will only get gaslighting in response, which is what you got. Wash, rinse, do not repeat. Train your brain to disengage. It is very hard to break habits you are hooked into.
I wish you the best and loved you’d writing and sharing, which was brave, if that is any consolation to what you were put through.