The Queen Achieves “Remarkable Achievement”

Jubilee Celebration of Unskilled Labour

Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother in a dated photo, pre-clutch purse, practiced with fan
Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother in a dated photo, pre-clutch purse, Public Domain photo

The official authoritarian despot of Britain, or the forcibly United Kingdom, has been noted by the official Government State press, the BBC, as achieving a “remarkable achievement”, being born. The 70-year authoritarian had upheld her position of uninterrupted, without any notable coup or threat to her complete reign of her family that has been extended to 1200 years.

Some of the threats and issues like Diana’s scandalous death during an affair with dark skinned man, the abuse or statutory rape of a trafficked teenager by her son Andrew, or the birth a black baby by an American dark-skinned girl and cheating on his princess wife he was forced to marry and breed with by her other son Charles, did not stop Queen Elizabeth from preserving the throne.

This achievement of monarchical rule caused by birth was celebrated by the taxpayers. When asked why she didn’t pay for the month-long festivities dedicated to her symbol of dictatorship, or the Crown, her spokesman said, “Well, she’s Queen. The British subjects, or people as she sometimes deems them, have been paying “tributes” for 1200 years now. That is why she is a billionaire to begin with. It’s a remarkable collection of wealth.”

Charles also called her “remarkable,” knowing that his birth would one day be celebrated should mother Queen die. This coincided when The Queen suddenly recognized his son and his Consort, a polite name given to an official mistress or Chinese kept-woman during the Qing dynasty. She awarded his 70-years of patience with potential title of Queen that could be in the offing, for Charles’ girl, especially now that Camilla is past retirement age.

The prime minister and ex-prime ministers lined up to pay tribute. Current PM Johnson gave her a homemade card with a hand drawn sceptre on it, slipping a 20-pound note inside. He admitted he spent the other 80 pounds on booze for the COVID parties. “I thank her for maintaining automatic power as it gives me a shine of decency, I ordinarily wouldn’t be able to have.”

Ex-PM May said she was so glad to see a woman in power with no real qualifications except birth. It contrasted with PM May’s lifetime of education and struggle as a female to gain the top post inside an often “vicious” political multi-party system. “I’m so glad to see a woman who serves the symbol of absolute power hang on to it simply for existing. My struggle was so exhausting. But throughout my brief tenure, I was so glad to reflect of her lack of qualifications as a way to keep control. I was comforted to know after my ouster after being ridiculed as a woman in power, that some women are safely in-charge without having to lift a finger. Hail to our monarch.”

Camilla noted she put 200 pounds in her card, double the expected tribute expected per politician as women usually have to work twice as hard. (Except the Queen of course, who is not a politician but an authoritarian representative of talentless despotism, and never worked a day in her life, having inherited 1200 year’s worth of tributes, numerous castles, all compounding income due to not have to spend money as she lives off taxes.)

When fellow monarch in waiting, MSB of KSA, asked her for best practices, she noted that clutch purses show modesty. Don’t build resentment among subjects. MSB at that point disposed of his bone saw and promised to not build another $320 million-dollar palace outside of Versailles made by a Mr. Khashoggie (whose father was doctor to the King Al Saud and had knowledge of bone saws and whose son Jamal was chopped up by a bone saw), or buy $577 million dollar boat in France that hides a DaVinci. He admitted to the splurges due to inheritance, but he would try a man-purse as an expression of humility thanks to her tip.

She also had to file a call from still fellow authoritarian Bashar al-Assad. It was reported she told him to just start pretending elections make a difference and feeling insecure about them. “We’ve had elections, and none have affected my family’s rule. 1200 years is a long time, so we know you can’t let the people’s urge for freedom and democracy disrupt your hold on absolute power. PM-s come and go, but all know better than to think about not collecting my taxes or removing me or my family from as perceived tyrant — I mean monarch. Sometimes you have to give something up. My family gave up the American colony, and later even India. Despite democracy, they still adore my privilege.”

Russia wannabe monarch-czar tore up another constitution and regretted surrounding Ukraine with troops. “I wish I could hang on to absolute power as she has,” Putin said after watching the Jubilee cake cutting ceremony. “Constantly changing the constitution and firing my cabinet is exhausting.”

Male dictators don’t understand the subtlety of hanging on to power, her sub-spokesman’s assistant spokeslady said. “You have to inspire them to worship your solid rule. You have to appear unshakable but calm. Make the peasants — the subjects — feel good about paying taxes for your cake and carriage parade. Have sympathy. Many of them work long hours to achieve little at low wage jobs while you’ve never done anything. Except be born. Men just want to beat and jail anyone who speaks up. Shoot journalists and poison opponents who threaten their singular reign. They are primitive, greed. The Queen, being a woman, knows quite discretion, how to hold a clutch person, and not to say anything. It’s the internet age for Lord’s sake.”

Finally, the 45th president of the United States Donald Trump even tried to send a congratulatory Tweet, but was left hitting the send button to no avail. “She’s so nice. So lovely. What a great authoritarian. I’m going to rule like her next time.” Once out of room but a still “hot” mic, he could be heard saying to his last remaining aid, high school intern Chester, “I said it. OK. No, the bitch better let me have my golf course back in Scotland.”

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store