The Lone Ranger State Rides Again

Bren Kelly
5 min readJul 14, 2021


The Citizens Ride For Glory in Protection of the Newly-Made Human Law (or Texas Senate Bill 8)

Newly Deputized Suburban Texans Out of Church and Ready to Save Babies
Texas Suburbanites Mount Up After Gov. Abbot Deputizes Them With His New Law— Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

I want each of you to grab your horse, mount your rifle and saddle up! Texas citizens have been deputized by the grace of Governor Abbot to rise up and find those buckeroos who themselves are straddled with child and seeking out a last-ditch desperate attempt to evade the law and hang that child.

His reward on the most wanted poster reads: Wanted. $10,000 dollar reward. Find those poor preggies sidewinding under the dark of night to one of those child removal doctors and lasso them up. Even if that woman be an illegal, by God. That baby deserves to live.

Now, leave the men alone in all this. Sure it could be a male desperado doing a bit of nasty on that girl and applied the making of that child without real polite type consent. Could of been a trucker who visited with some poor trafficked darlin’, maybe an uncle with a bad urge, or a young man who tempted one of those sad lassies inta his car usin’ that social to chat her up and then lashin’ her down in the backseat.

No matter! Save the babies.

Now I know what a lot of you out there might say ‘bout us Texas types. We’re just prairie hillbillies, what with those oil fields and tranch-chulas movin’ across the barren plains of West Texas in a big black cloud in their yearly migration. Or we’re all a bunch a oil greasy rough necks just punchin’ holes in the earth to feed America’s bad gas engine obsession. Or we’re just some kind a hateful type just celebratin’ life with an annual rattle-snake festival in a lowdown fashion or state full of cattle rustlers. No such thing!

OK, shure, maybe a whole bit part of this is true, or all of it! But one thing we know is right from wrong. And it’s wrong to those little ones newly conceived who didn’t have a chance to even develop and bump up their mummies’ tummy. That’s why Gregg Abbott, sheriff protector and free wheeler of Texas, first consulted the people of Texas, who had been collectin’ new guns and ammo during that der pander-demic. An dey say, Sir, we are ready to be deputized and we been practicin’ tha open carry way of life you gave us just a few years back. We are ready to find them sad children babies and protect them even though they are dots in their moms’ bellies.

So the great Governor of da Lone Star and indee-pendent state a Texas gave the right — The Right I Tell You! — to mount up and ride on a salvation mission of savin’ them youngins. Most wouldn’t hear a no reward money. But the Governor knows Texas is such a big state that people need gas money, and so he put out that $10,000 reward. Mighty kind of him.

Now I know what those there fancy law professors say (who by the way are from out of state and came down here in their Volvo sippin’ lattes while they watch the movers unpack into their Dwell house all fake plain an austere like — post modern bs). I’m talkin’ about You Professor Vladeck! They scream the whole system is bein’ Inverted! Inverted, like that’s some word they brought from out a state actin’ like we locals don’t know what it means and our heads are know all discombobulated (how’s that for fancy, folks?). They say the State is not the Enforcer but your neighbors now are. What the sidewinder are you sayin’? That’s exactly some liberal nonsense if I ever heard it. The Governor read the Constitution and knows Texas better then you sandbagger dandies. The People are the State! That is what real democracy is! The power is always in the hands of the people. And that’s why I’m holdin’ Mr. Smith and Wesson in one hand and his friend Adolf the Glock in the other!

Now just to say we ain’t excusing all those bad men who did wrong on these poor womin and young girls, most of ’em poor, some of them smuggled in to the land of Texas by that Biden fella this year. No. They deserve sympathy and kindness for their troubles and we will bring them back into the fold and invite them into church to pray for their an their unborns’ souls. God bless ‘em.

But we know the great Governor might well be thinkin’ out what to do with those teenager rapscallion boys who got too excited in their nether region and ruined these fair lasses honor. The Lord is forgiving’ though. An he knows that. I suggest he let the community put them on the straight path. The best thing is just some sound whippin’ by their parents and church prayin’ for their sins to heal and to reform them alongside the pastor. Jail would just not to do these white males who strayed, which by the way is normal in the sin of youth. Jail would run them for life. Let adult kin bring them around, put ‘em on the path, and keep justice as is.

Let Greg work (as I know him from our beer drinkin’ days (and what man doesn’t like beer, so I like beer, so what! Don’t judge me for that!)). What work? Well, he’s to make shure the reward is givin’ out to us citizen-deputies. And then to get them baby children who are unborn, who we saved, get their rights affirmed! Given them their citizen rights and names, give them a voter ID card with their ultrasound picture on it, and if their mother is the redeemed Christian type, then give them baby children full citizenship right now! So when they come out onto Texas soil they already have a name and voter ID like real people, ’cause that’s what they are! (except if their brown mamas ain’t legal yet, then they just get a bus ticket to the boarder if that mixed race Biden woman ain’t at the boarder watchin’).

Y’all, good night and God Bless from the Great State of Texas! (Ya frackin’ right)



Bren Kelly

Engaged in new Ideas and old Inequalities, dismantling the system in systemic, born on the 50th Anniversary of Women's Lib Day, still seeking injustices.