Really honest expression of your situation and not understanding the context black Americans live in, especially in the South. I grew up in the North, and until I experienced the vast ‘cultural’ difference when I moved to Mississippi and then South Carolina in graduate school, I had no clue about the depth of real differences in ‘cultures.’ I was mentally prepared when I lived in Germany and France for the difference, especially as staying for a year to study in one country and a half year to live in another you have to prepare and study the languages just to eat. But in the South, I felt like I was in different country. The first week or so the white woman at the cafe counter, very friendly, ask me as I ordered a morning coffee, “Now where are you from?” I told her New York State, on the boarder of Canada. She replied without hesitation, “Oh, so you’re a Yaaang-keee.” Right then and there I knew I crossed a border.
After living in Houston for a long time now, I returned back up north once to visit my mom and went to Target. Something felt really “off.” I looked around the store and realized what it was—white people, there only white people. Having spent a decade in the most culturally diverse city in the US and perhaps the world, I had grown used to now being surrounded by diversity at all times, everywhere. Even the ultra rich can’t “escape” to private prep schools or gated communities, since the oil industry means mega rich from all oil countries send their children to those schools and live behind those gates as well. So if you’re in an all white suburb, then just know it was designed all white on purpose by the laws in the US and by practices, known as Sundown Towns. You’re supposed to have trepidation or even be scared of black Americans, as that is how home values are maintained. Glad you are thinking about these critical issues and exploring these vital emotions as fear—or just suspicion—is what is really keeping people apart. I suspect most black Americans know that, as they live under that suspicion constantly, especially under the gaze of police.
